I WANT YOU TO BE OK

One of my earliest childhood memories is standing in front of a tree. My Mom was there, and she told me I could pick the fruit as long as I thanked the tree. “Thanks Tree!” I don’t know if I ever stopped this practice.

How do you have a lot of sex and keep it from feeling cheap? The first guy I slept with after I got dumped was a stranger with a chest tattoo. Writing that makes him sound more dangerous than he really was. It was a very nerdy chest tattoo. I ordered him from the internet and the experience was 5-stars. After he finished, he started laughing hysterically and through the tears tried to explain that this happened every time. I remember just staring up at the ceiling, meekly whispering “Thank you.”

There was a moment during the sex in which I felt like a more far-reaching love was being communicated. “I don’t know you, but you seem eminently lovable. You seem worthwhile. And my thrusts are here as a broader expression of love to nerdy guys with chest tattoos everywhere, because I don’t know you specifically.”

Some of the best sex I ever had was with this guy who almost never spoke. When he did, he had a really strange speech pattern — almost taking an exhale on every sentence. Breathy. I imagine he conserved his words to keep from hyperventilating, but it made you pay attention.

I remember the first time he took me home with him. I was surprised at how he took immediate, confident control. It was as though he’d been using a second language up until that point and was finally getting a moment in his native tongue. Maybe quiet men are the best in bed because they have the most to say.

I like to go into sex with something to hold onto, a message or mantra of some sort that’s going to be the sentiment I am trying to communicate. Yet another unlikely side-effect of being raised by New Agers who encouraged me to imbue crystals with intention and write words of affirmation on my water bottles. Maybe it’s weird or just representative of the current state of society, but I have found that the message is often simply, “I don’t care where this goes, I just want you to be OK.”

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